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Disciplining Older Children

Your child is getting older, and the old ways of disciplining don't seem to be as effective. What now? Below are some suggestions for disciplining an older child. If you have some suggestions for us, please let us know.

What is Discipline?

What You Must Remember

How Does Safer Child Feel About Spanking?

What We Found to Be Most Effective for Correcting Behavior in a Young Child

Suggestions for Disciplining Younger Children (while shopping, traveling or at home)

Disciplining an Older Child

What Constitutes Neglect or Abuse?

Safer Child Families in Crisis Pages (including tips for prevention of abuse in your home)

Safer Child Communication Page

Self-Assessment Survey -- Do You Need to Make a Change?

Helpful Links

Don't overreact or leap to conclusions. Try to avoid disciplining your child when you're too angry to be rational. When an older child misbehaves, sometimes it's deliberate rebellion (which often is normal behavior), or sometimes it's simply a misunderstanding or a normal childish mistake. Take your time, and give the situation some room before delivering the discipline.

Too old for time-out? Nobody's too old for time-out. Your child might need a few minutes alone to calm down and think -- or perhaps you might, if you find yourself losing control. Try saying something like this, if you feel yourself getting too upset: "I'm upset about this situation, and I need time to think it over. We'll talk about it when I've calmed down." Then make sure you follow through. Your children also will learn from your good example.

Don't use physical discipline (hitting, spanking, pushing, kicking, etc.) against your child. In our view, physical discipline doesn't solve the base problem, and it doesn't teach anything. Your child is old enough to talk and to think. We recommend sitting down, sharing a conversation and then allowing your child the room to think. If you find yourself frequently resorting to physical discipline (especially harsh or angry discipline), consider getting some counseling or perhaps classes in parenting. Remember: If your child needs guidance with anger management, communication or behavior modification, it's possible that one or more of the child's caregivers also need guidance in those areas.

Give your child a chance to talk and explain. There will be times when your child must obey simply because you said so. Having said that, we recommend you consider the possibility that something's happening that you don't understand. Allow your child to tell you what happened and why. When children feel they're being heard, understood and treated fairly, they're much more likely to comply with the rules in the future. All of this will be much easier to do if the lines of communication have been kept open all along. Stay in touch with your child and know what your child is doing (and with whom).

Involve the child in the process. One of your most important jobs is to help your children learn to live in the world by themselves. As such, they must learn to make decisions about how they will live. Encourage them to figure out why you set the rules you have, why they broke them, what consequences could result from disobeying, and what consequences they think there should be for not obeying the rules.

Use the incident as an opportunity to teach. Your children should be growing past obeying you "because you said so," and instead doing things properly because they're the right things to do. But moral, legal, ethical and compassionate behavior isn't learned overnight. If you haven't begun to do so already, start now to teach your children that the world is bigger than they are and that what they do has an impact on everyone else.

Make the discipline fit the mistake. Children respond to disapproval and any measure of discipline -- as long as it's fair and sparing. Make it a habit to deliver consequences calmly, fairly and consistently.

Pick your battles. Teens are biologically predisposed to rebel -- it's how they learn to become separate from you. Think carefully about whether a battle is worth fighting, or whether it's okay for you and your teen to disagree. Take some time to decide what's negotiable and what isn't. Allow your children elbow-room on things that aren't critical to their health and safety. Your child will be more receptive to nonnegotiable items if other items are negotiable. Sometimes, it's better to let something go now so that later, you can teach something more important.

Stay positive. Even in their teen years -- when it seems that they're fighting you at every turn -- your children really do want to please you, and they want your approval. When children are misbehaving, it can be easy to forget all the good things they say and do, but keeping a positive outlook and noticing what they do well is critical. So reinforce the good behavior by noticing it when it happens. Do this out loud so the child can hear it (and in front other people when appropriate).

Avoid labeling your child, humiliating your child or punishing your child in front of friends. Avoid calling your children names, i.e.. "You're a liar," "You're stupid," "You'll never amount to anything." Instead, try this: "I don't think you're telling me the truth," "Let's sit down so I can explain this another way." "What do you think will happen if you don't finish this?" Focus on the behavior -- not on the child or the child's character. Remember that your goal isn't to punish -- it's to teach. Always respect your child, and treat your child as well or better than you would treat a best friend.

Don't threaten a discipline you can't or won't enforce (so be very careful about the discipline you decide on). Do not tell your child you are "giving up," or that you'll leave the child behind, or send him or her away. Your child should never think for one second that you would give up or withdraw your love or protection.

Apologize for mistakes you make.

Make sure your child knows when problems (especially family problems) are not his or her fault.

Don't forget to regularly tell your child these very important things: "I love you." "I'm proud of you." "I'm glad you're mine." See Staying in Touch for suggestions on other ways to stay in touch with your children.

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