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Toilet
Training
"The most important
thing to remember while toilet training is that your child will not be going to
college in diapers. So at some point between now and then, your child will
figure it out."
Every child is different. Some children
reportedly pick up toilet training before they're a year old -- others don't quite get it
until a few years later. Our advice? Don't sweat it. Toilet training can be frustrating
(it's notorious for incidents of child abuse) but try to keep it in perspective. It's an
important developmental milestone -- not the end (or beginning) of the world.
"But my mother/friend/co-worker
says her son/daughter/friend's child was toilet trained long before now."
There's generally a window (a LARGE window) of
time during which the vast majority of children are trained. Outside of that window,
parents need to check with their medical practitioner and make sure there isn't a problem.
If the child is younger than the window and isn't wetting and soiling enough diapers, the
child might be dehydrated, otherwise failing to thrive or have a medical problem. Conversely, if the child is
older and is still (or newly) wetting and soiling underwear, there might be a physical or
psychological situation that needs to be addressed.
Other
things to remember:
 | It's not about you: The age at which
your child is toilet trained is not a reflection on you -- or the child -- as a person.
Every child develops differently, and no doubt at least a few Nobel
Prize-winners weren't
toilet-trained until they were 4 years old (and probably one or two serial killers were
toilet-trained before they learned to walk). |
| There will be signs of readiness: The
best way to know when to start training is to watch your child. There will be several
signs of readiness -- such as an increased awareness of a need to go, curiosity in others'
bathroom habits, longer period of dryness (not because of dehydration), interest in
neatness, understanding of "wet" versus "dry," etc.
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| They'll go when they have to go:
Your child can't go to the bathroom just because you want her to. Do ask if
she has to go before leaving the house, but she'll go when she's ready (same
as you). This means she might want to go on the way out the door, after the
snowsuit is on, or on a bridge with traffic coming in both directions. She
might want to sit on the toilet or child's potty and just think about it for a
while. Keep a sense of humor, and don't nag her or force her to try, but do
accommodate her when the urge strikes. She should feel secure that when she
has to go, it won't be a problem and you'll be able to make
it happen -- even if it means having to go in the middle of dinner, in the
middle of the night, or in the middle of a traffic jam. |
| Don't withhold liquid - or use laxatives - in an
effort to control a child's bathroom habits: Withholding liquid is unfair to a
child, and can only harm his well-being. If he's dehydrated, he'll also be much more
difficult to deal with. Keep him hydrated, even at nighttime, and just be patient.
Do avoid citrus juices or caffeinated beverages, however,
especially at night, and do make sure the child empties his bladder completely just before bed.
Don't wake him up before you go to bed; that won't help him learn to get
himself up.
(Also --
this hadn't occurred to us, but a knowledgeable reader asked us to note that parents
should not use laxatives in an effort to control a child's bowel movements. Besides the
potential harmful health effects, laxatives teach a child nothing about body control.) |
| Be flexible: Keep your child in
clothing that's easy for her to manage (no snaps, buttons, belts, or buckles). At home, you
can leave your child in a long shirt with no pants at all. Have a separate child-size
potty at home, plus a foldable adapter in the diaper bag. An adapter means your child can
sit by himself on virtually any toilet. |
| Traveling in the car: If you travel at all,
there will eventually be an urgent "I have to pee" from the back seat. You can
prepare for this by bringing your child's potty in the car, but don't panic about letting
her pee on the side of the highway (park well off on the shoulder, far away from the
highway.). Every parent driving by will understand completely. If she has a bowel
movement, however, do clean it up. |
| Be prepared for a crisis: Your child
doesn't always know when he has to go to the bathroom. Sometimes he'll have to go two
seconds after he swore he didn't have to go (this is common after going swimming). Keep
extra pants, underwear and socks in the car. Keep wipes in the car and in your purse. If
he has to go, give him a break, and take him without complaint. And if he's already gone,
tell him that mistakes are normal and that it's not a big deal. |
| Watch the messages you send: If you
get angry about your child having to go to the bathroom (because it interrupts what you're
doing), you're sending several clear messages to your child (none of them good). You don't
want her to think that going to the bathroom is bad or troublesome, and you especially
don't want her to think she is bad or troublesome. So no name-calling. No
belittling the child in front of others, no jokes at her
expense. No labeling behavior as "good" or
"bad." No forcing the child to sleep in a wet
bed. All of these can have an effect that's opposite to the one you want.
Even if you're annoyed, keep a smile on your face, and stay calm and
positive. Reinforce the behavior you want with simple
rewards -- a hug, a sticker, words of praise, a few jellybeans. |
| Patience is a virtue: Toilet training
might not happen all at once. Your child might learn daytime routines long before
nighttime routines. Let your children find their own path and their own way.
Expect accidents and don't have a fit when they occur.
Guide,
instruct, assist -- but don't push. |
| Make sure caregivers are in sync: Talk to
your child's baby-sitters and caregivers and make sure they're using the same or similar
toilet-training technique. Your child will be more responsive if she isn't confused. |
| Examples help: It can be helpful to
show your child what to do. Are you squeamish about letting your child see you in the
bathroom? Try to get over this for now. Your child will benefit from watching you and your
spouse or partner. It's easier and more effective to show proper wiping technique than it
is to explain it. |
| Set up good habits now: Make sure
your children (girls and boys) learn to wipe front to back (helps keep fecal bacteria from
getting into the urinary tract). Make sure they always wipe, even after going pee. Make
sure they flush. Make sure they always wash afterward with soap, even after going pee (you
must set a good example and do it, too). Don't ever allow them to
sit or play on the bathroom
floor, especially in public toilets. |
| If they want to sit, let them sit:
Sometimes children like to sit on a toilet for a while. Let them. Leave the
child-sized potty in an easily accessible place, and perhaps let them look at
books or watch television while sitting on it. (For boys, it might be helpful
to start by having him sit and allowing him to work toward standing.)
Also, make sure their feet are planted on something solid
(if their feet dangle, it tends to tighten their rectal muscles, which makes
it harder to go). |
| Use this time to teach: Toilet
training is a perfect time to teach about the body -- how it works, what the parts are
called, and why things happen the way they do. Many people grow up knowing next to nothing
about the parts "down there," and this ignorance sets them up for various health
problems later. Use toilet training time to begin teaching. |
| Involve your child in the process:
Get feedback on how things are going. Some children are frightened of flushing or of the
noise. Some children get upset about mistakes. Some are reluctant to use unfamiliar
toilets (encourage them to do so on shopping trips). Generally, most children respond well
to praise. Listen to your child, keep the process positive, and try to adjust your
procedure according to what you're hearing. |
| Use night lights: If your child is trained
for the day but is having trouble at night, it might be that more patience is in order.
But perhaps there's a reason he doesn't get out of bed. Talk to him. If he's afraid, put
night lights in the bedroom, hallway and bathroom. If he gets too cold, keep the house
warmer. If he thinks you'll be angry because he's up,
reassure him that it's no big deal and that everyone has to go at night.
If he has trouble navigating his pajamas, try just a T-shirt and underwear. And if
he can't manage an adult-size toilet, leave his potty out
-- perhaps in his room where he can find it. It might be that he's become
used to having diapers at night -- in this case, work out a day with him when the diapers
will no longer be needed. Mark it on the calendar, and get him excited about it. There
might have to be a few wet nights after that big day until he learns to wake up (have a
water-proof cover on the mattress -- just in case). |
| Try having incentives: Try offering
your child a jellybean for each successful bowel movement. Or make a chart for the
bathroom door, divided into squares. Allow your child to put a sticker or two in each
square for every successful bathroom trip, and perhaps five squares will get him or her a
special treat. But avoid punishing your child for mistakes. |
| At some point, there might be a relapse:
If your child makes a mistake or two, it's probably
nothing to comment on. But if there's a longer
relapse, see if you can gently elicit what might be the problem
(urinary tract infection? too much change? control issues? child is stressed? you weren't
accommodating?) and keep the accidents in perspective. If an older child has soiling or
wetting problems, however, do take this seriously. There might be a physical problem
(urinary tract infection), a stressful situation (child is getting bullied at school), or
an abusive situation (soiling or wetting can be signs of sexual abuse). Take your child to
a health professional and get this resolved right away. See the
Safer
Child Abuse & Neglect page for more warning signs. |
| No punishment is appropriate:
Punishing a young child for not being toilet trained would be like punishing you for not
knowing how to fly a rocket. There are many factors to becoming toilet trained -- some
physical, some mental, some emotional, and some environmental. And punishing an older
child ignores the underlying causes. Although you can't control how quickly your child
learns, you do have complete control over how you respond to the process. Your child is
not to blame for your loss of temper. Keep a sense of humor and don't take anything
personally. Remember that your child really does want to please you. |
| Give it a rest: If things aren't
working out, try giving it a rest. Perhaps your child isn't ready. Perhaps you're pushing
too hard or making your child feel badly. Perhaps your child is more interested in saying
"no" than in learning to use the potty. Perhaps there have been too many big
changes in your child's life, and this new challenge is overwhelming. Perhaps your child
has a physical or emotional problem that's interfering with the process (make sure your
pediatrician has a chance to rule this out). Remember that toilet training isn't a do-or-die proposition. Your child will get it. Relax and don't make it a battle of wills.
Children are biologically motivated to learn this skill, and they will -- as soon as
they're ready. Go to Top
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Helpful Links &
Resources:
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a book by Anne
Krueger, with editors of Parenting Magazine
- a book 
- a book
(a
book edited by The American Academy of Pediatrics)