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Staying in Touch With Your Child

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In today's busy world, it can be difficult to stay in touch with children, especially as they get older and want to do things on their own. It's our feeling that family traditions and rituals are instrumental in keeping the communication flowing both ways. These traditions and rituals can be seasonal, funny, touching, simple, intricate, sentimental, started by grandma or by the child -- what's important is that family members respect them as important and that they bring family members together regardless of what else is going on. Here are a few suggestions. First, turn off the television and video game, and then:

Morning sunshine. Fun morning rituals get the day off to a good start -- whether it's a warm cuddle in bed, rocking in the rocking chair, getting the weather on the weather channel, feeding the fish, reading a favorite story, making tea, opening the curtains to let the sun in...make it a ritual to start the day happily. You can help make the morning go more smoothly by preparing clothes, lunches and even breakfast -- the night before, by setting the alarm clock 15 minutes earlier, and by making sure everyone gets to bed (and to sleep!) soon enough to be well rested in the morning.

Bedtime cuddle. It's always good to end the day on a positive, loving note. Have a snack and read a few books. Change into pajamas and play a favorite game. Talk about what happened that day -- good and bad, fun and scary. Tell a nice story. Rub backs or foreheads and sing a song. Make it a ritual to end the day with a smile, an "I love you" and a goodnight cuddle. Don't stop when the children get older.

Talk, and LISTEN!. Some families find it easy to converse about important things while commuting. Others do it more easily around a dinner table. Some find it comfortable to chat while making crafts or doing yard work. Whatever works for you works for us, as long as it becomes a gentle, regular and noncoercive way to keep in touch. Things that often get missed, but that are desperately important for children to hear: "I love you"; "I'm proud of you"; "I trust you"; "I think you're great"; "I think you're beautiful/handsome"; "I'm glad you're mine"; "You did a good job"; "You taught me something!" While you're at it, teach your children to like and love themselves -- as much as they would like or love anyone else. Somehow this critical message often gets lost in the shuffle. And remember -- they're unlikely to like and love themselves if you don't like and love yourself. See our communication pages for more suggestions. Try hard to listen to your children. Sometimes it takes a while for a child to get a thought out, so try to be patient. If your child is having nightmares, try to listen for underlying themes and fears. Treat your child's communication with respect and avoid brushing it off as unimportant. To your child, it's critically important.

Don't abandon them -- and don't give up if it seems they've abandoned you. Are your children grown? Or, are you divorced from your spouse and now don't see them every day? Keep talking. Don't save everything up for a Christmas visit -- it's the little news and excitements and troubles that most desperately need your attention. Ask them questions, listen to them talk, tell them about what you're doing. Use the telephone, letters, cards, visits, little funny gifts, e-mail, instant messaging, videos, cassette tapes, digital cameras, letters, postcards, poems, pictures, scrapbooks -- do whatever it takes to keep in touch. Even as your children build a new life without your constant presence, it's critically important that they know you love them enough to make the effort. If they're distanced from you for a period of time, your effort to stay in touch is likely to eventually bring them back.

Snuggle. Kids need parental cuddles. Lots of them. Make it a tradition to read a few books to your young children every night, and then continue the nightly reading tradition when they're older. Rent a classic movie and snuggle together on the couch with popcorn. Get down on the floor with them and play. Indulge in group hugs. Give a back massage, rub a back or shoulder, or smooth a forehead. Don't stop when children become adolescents (they need hugs, too), but do respect their need for space. You might have to warn first before hugging, but don't give up.

Share. Chores go faster when everyone pitches in. Not only do children get to spend time with you, but they learn to value themselves as a contributing member of the family team. Chores also go faster when things get a little silly (songs are sung backward, people race each other to see who is faster, a car wash is interrupted by a water fight, a show shoveling is interrupted by a snowball fight or by making snow angels. Just don't expect the job to be done the way you would do it. Value the child's joy in contributing, and accept the child's age as a limiting factor.

Bake cookies or squares on Saturday mornings. Make pot roast every Sunday, or fish every Friday. Make bread or buns once a week or lasagna every Tuesday. Get the children to help and teach them how to cook properly. Not only will they learn how to cook, how to do fractions, how to work together -- but the smell of particular foods cooking will be forever wrapped up in their minds with a sense of family closeness and love.

Family night. Have a special family night where you picnic on the lawn or the living room floor, or where you eat by candlelight, or where the child gets to choose the meal. Have family Saturdays, where you fish together, fly kites together, or play ball together. Go to the local coffee shop every Wednesday for a hot chocolate or an orange juice, and play a favorite board game or card game. Hang out every Sunday and read the Sunday comics together. Select a time to tell favorite stories about the family. Pick a part of the day to tell the best thing (and maybe the worst thing) that happened that day. Make it a ritual to share sweet, noncompetitive, nonstressful time together.

Surprises. Put loving notes in your child's lunch box, or leave loving notes with a surprise under their pillow (like a flower petal, for example).

Cook ahead. Too many families rarely eat together nowadays, but family meals are important ways to stay in touch with each other. Make a big batch of something and freeze the leftovers in individual servings. Make a big turkey and use it to make other meals. Use a slow cooker (prepare dinner in the morning and it's ready when you want to eat it). You can double or triple favorite recipes and thereby leave precious dinner-making time for playtime.

Say evening prayers together. You'll be surprised and touched by what you hear.

Help others. There are many ways to volunteer (see our Advocacy pages for suggestions). Helping others can become a family tradition that not only binds you closer together but also teaches children to appreciate the good in their lives.

Celebrate seasonal activities in family friendly ways. Instead of having a big party on Christmas, Thanksgiving or New Year's Eve, for example, have a family get-together, in which you talk about the previous year -- what you remember, what challenges you overcame, what was funny, what was touching. Look at photographs and laugh together.

Talk about what you like about each other. On a regular occasion, such as a birthday or on Thanksgiving, take turns saying what you like about each other. You can write it down and put it in a letter for each person, or you can say it out loud. Whatever pleases you about someone works, and it's wonderful and affirming for people to hear how they're valued and appreciated by their parents, children and siblings.

Leave a handprint. On a birthday, have a white tablecloth that's reserved for handprints. You can get fabric paint in different colors and let each child or family member mark the tablecloth with a handprint and a signature, along with the date. Over the years, you'll see how the child has grown. This tablecloth can someday be quilted into a family heirloom.

Get outside. At home, we have television, video games, ringing phones, stoves, vacuum cleaners, toys...Take your children outside so that you can focus exclusively on them. Go to a playground or park. Visit a museum. Go for a walk, build a snowman, do yard work, walk to the neighborhood coffee shop. Listen to the wind, watch the birds, feed the squirrels.

Slow down. Many errands seem important but really aren't. Much shopping can be foregone for today or done online. And many children are involved in so many activities, they hardly have time to think. Find ways for your family to slow down. Decide which activities are important or critical, and let go of the rest. Use that time to connect with your children: building puzzles, playing on a playground, learning something new, or maybe just talking.

Forgiving. Whenever there's a fight between parents and children, it's important to resolve the problem, soothe hurt feelings and make sure that everyone is forgiven -- not just by the other person -- but also by themselves. Make it a ritual to go around the room and verbalize forgiveness. If someone is trying to stay mad, it can be fun to find the giggles wherever they're hiding and figure out how they can escape.

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