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What Not to Ask An Adoptive or Foster Parent

What Not to Ask

We saw these suggestions in a Dear Abby column, and thought them wise and thoughtful. They were written as part of a letter to Abigail van Buren (Dear Abby) by "Blessed Through Adoption in Washington State." We saw the column in the Jan. 31, 2001, Idaho State Journal. (If you have comments or other suggestions, please tell us!)

	Please DON'T ask if I have children of my own. My daughter IS my own. If you must ask about other siblings, a better term is "biological children."
	Please DON'T ask about my daughter's birth family and why they are not raising her. These are issues I wish to discuss with her privately, in my own time.
	Please DON'T make disparaging remarks about my daughter's country of origin, regardless of how you feel about their customs or government policies. My daughter needs to hear positive things about her culture of origin. Many of the negative comments I have received have been untrue or one-sided.
	Please DON'T ask how much my daughter "cost." While adoption fees are expensive, so are hospital bills for labor and delivery. The difference is, many people have either insurance or public assistance to help them pay hospital bills; adoptive families have little equivalent to help to pay adoption fees. I did not "buy" my child through adoption fees any more than a family who pays hospital bills for the birth of a biological child has bought theirs. If you are truly interested in adoption costs, your local adoption agency or an adoption Internet site can provide those answers.
	Please DON'T tell me I got my daughter the "easy way." Adoption has its own unique challenges. Like any parent, adoptive parents consider their struggles worthwhile, given the end result. However, adoption, like childbirth, can be both wonderful and difficult.
	Please DON'T ask me about my fertility status. I would rather not discuss it with a stranger.
	And to the many kind, discreet and polite people I have met - thank you for your positive comments and encouraging words. They warmed my heart.

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