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What Were You Taught as a Child?

(Undoing the Damage, and Breaking the Cycle)

(single parents, of multiples, of teens, of boys, of exceptional, working, divorced, in uniform)

Many people believe that a need for counseling indicates a weakness, or that it requires a severe emotional disorder of some sort. We believe, however, that poor communication skills and/or unresolved childhood issues aren't of your making, and that they can do as much damage to you and your children as can clinically diagnosed disorders.

This page contains just a few unhealthy lessons many people learn as children that hamper their ability to understand and nurture themselves -- and consequently their children and partners. You might have learned other unhealthy lessons than those we've listed. (If we should add some to this page, please let us know).

We know you might have learned good lessons, too. This page isn't about being fair or even-handed. It isn't about solving anything, convincing anyone of anything, defending yourself or blaming anyone. This page is only about figuring out what's holding you back from being the person you want to be.

Check off the lessons that apply to you, or write your own list of all the important lessons you were taught as a child. Just free-think and don't try to edit yourself or make allowances for people who've hurt you. Keep it simple and honest. Then, give thought to how many negative lessons you're unwittingly passing on to your children -- despite your best efforts to avoid doing so. You can even ask your spouse and older children to do this exercise with you.

If you can see an unhealthy cycle continuing, it won't help you or your children to deny it, ignore it or hate yourself because of it. Don't waste time on denial or self-flagellation. Instead, make a positive move by getting counseling for you and your children. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. See our Mental Distress page and How to Get Help With an Abusive Situation for suggestions.

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Today I realize that I was taught: (some or all of these might apply to you. Come up with your own list, and figure out if you're unwittingly passing them on to your children):

- that pride is indulgent
- that it's selfish and boastful to excel at anything or be the best I can be. That it's bragging and unwarranted to see myself as beautiful. That it's lazy and apathetic to accept myself or my best efforts.
- to see myself through the eyes of others
- to look to others for self-esteem, self-image, direction, self-approval, and permission to be happy
- that I am only as good as who loves me
- to not have the courage of my convictions in emotional situations
- that if I don’t behave, I won’t be loved -- and that the only way to be loved is to be obedient
- that reality cannot be trusted. That others cannot be trusted. That I cannot trust myself
- that my wants/needs/talents are not worthy of attention. That I am not worthy of attention. That what’s worthy of attention is what other people do. That what’s worthy of praise is what’s easy, safe, silly, uneventful and small
- to be overly sensitive to the needs of others and to neglect and deny my own needs
- to never say what I want or need. Instead, I should manipulate others in order to not risk rejection, and also so that (if things go badly) I have a route of emotional escape
- that communication is bad, honesty is bad, anger is bad, disagreement with parents is bad, rebellion against parents is bad, praise of myself is bad, happiness is bad, crying is bad, asking for help is bad
- to forgive people who have seriously harmed me or someone else – but to never forgive myself
- to make peace at all costs
- that I have the responsibility for others’ happiness and unhappiness, but that I do not have the responsibility for my own happiness
- that being happy (especially if someone else isn't) is selfish, wrong or immoral
- that everyone else is more capable, more aware, more knowledgeable, more powerful than I am
- that if something is messed up, it is my fault
- that if something goes wrong, it's because I was bad. Therefore, I deserve to have things go wrong
- that if things aren’t perfect, they aren’t good enough
- that lying to others about facts is bad, but that lying about my emotional wants is good, and that lying to myself can be very helpful
- that I wasn’t really wanted, but now that I’m here, they’ll tolerate me if I am who they want me to be
- to not risk anything important
- to not ask for anything from anyone
- to doubt happiness whenever I feel it. To limit joyful feelings.
- to worry
- to always read between the lines for what’s really being said
- to never be comfortable, peaceful, content, secure
- that it's bad to question my parents about what they think, say or do
- to fight for affection -- that I have to be better, more obedient, more something in order to be loved
- that I don’t belong, don’t fit in, don’t know how things work
- to not trust my head or my heart
- to not stand up for myself, for my siblings, or for other people I love
- to run away when things get emotionally intense
- a vague intellectual snobbery, that I am better than others -- but not for anything that means something or that's particular to me as an individual (in short, to feel like a fraud)
- to be insecure, dependent, clingy
- to be arrogant, standoffish, unattached, not emotionally invested
- to fear intimacy, vulnerability, passion, love, emotional give-and-take, trust, need
- that anger (or indifference) is power, and it will get me what I want and need
- to associate loving and/or being loved with negative things such as anger, doubt, guilt, worry, fear of being hurt or abandoned
- that I'm bad
- to be afraid of being abandoned

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